we
we are
we are in the golden age of deceit
we are the future... we are the past and we are the present
we are the here and now
we are the children born into a generation driven by lust, greed and hatered
we are the sons and daughters of "i want it now"ism and instant gratification
we are guiltless, shamelss, tired and blameless
however...
we are not alone
we are in this together
we are the hands that can tear down this black city
we are the foundation on which the new kingdom will be built
we are the children of rescue, salvage and truth
we are the dawn of a new day
we can stand and fight; we are stronger
we are patiently waiting, loving not hating
we are the revolution
we are...I am...
you
After probably over a year of really pursuing law enforcement and even longer than that wanting to be a part of law enforcement, I've come to a place where I'm not really sure if that's where God wants me.
I've wanted to be a police officer partly for the experience (it always seemed fascinating), partly for the pay (not having a college degree it seems like a decent way to make over $40k a year), partly for the freedom (working three 12's and having between 3 to 4 days off a week seems awesome), and also to accomplish my goals (Tonya staying home, buying a house, etc)
But the more I listen to God and the more I really think about my motives. I feel like they might be really selfish. I'm not saying that I will never pursue law enforcement or that I am never going to be called to that area. But I feel like God doesn't want me there right now.
I realized that if I get into a career that pays me $50k a year, allows me to buy a home and keep Tonya from working, that I will at that point no longer be listening to what God wants for my life. I will be in the job that I will have deemed as my final place. The job I will stay and retire from. If in the middle of all that God called me to plant a church or give up the job and pursue ministry, I can honestly say it would be a slim chance that I would want to give all that up to follow his will.
I'm starting to feel that maybe the reason I'm in a job that I'm not sure where I'm headed or the reason that I have spent the majority of my adult life wondering "where do I fit in" is because God has not placed me where I need to be yet. He has me in a position that is extremely easy to give up so that I will not only be constantly listening for where he wants to put me, but be ready when the time comes to make the move to where I need to be.
I don't know where I am going to be next month and maybe God does want me in Boulder County, but for now, I feel like he is telling me to wait on him, teaching me to be faithful even when income is down and showing me that I can be more satisfied serving him than serving my worldly desires and goals.
A true man is not someone who can provide for his family 100% all the time without testing, or buy them a house, or own the newest vehicle. A true man is someone who can patiently wait on the Lord and be ready to act at a moments notice when he is called.
Blake just celebrated his first birthday and I can't believe a year has gone by so quickly. My parents used to always tell me that the older I got, the faster time went by. I didn't believe them as you never truly believe anything your parents say no matter how wise and or relevant it may seem. But it's true. I've been married for over 2 years, work full time and now have a 1 year old son and I have to sit and wonder...where did the time go?
It sounds so cliche, but it literally seems like just yesterday my voice was changing and I was getting my first hair on my chin. Now here I stand with a wife, a son and bills up to my eyes. I'm gaining weight and losing hair and can't help but think how quickly my mid-to-late twenties are going to pass by.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade what I have for the world. I love my Tonya and Blake and am so happy to have started my family. But if I could do it over again, there are some things I would change.
College never seemed like the right thing for me, and sometimes I still don't think it is. However, the lack of a degree doesn't seem to bother me as much as the lack of completion. Granted I probably won't make as much money as someone who has a bachelors degree and I'm guaranteed to not be qualified for 50% or more of the jobs out there (this idea still somewhat haunts me), but I still think what bothers me most is that I didn't have the motivation or determination to get out there and finish school. My generation seems to be on the line between seeing a need for college and seeing a need for freedom. I am one of those people still stuck with 2 major life choices crushing in on either side of me. Regardless, if I could go back and do it again...a 4 year degree would have been my choice.
If I could go back to sophomore year of high school and sit back down in the weight room where I began to workout at 15 years old. I would have pushed myself to stick with it; to not give up and not quit; to make a choice then, that would benefit me years down the road for the sake of feeling better and for the longevity of life with my family.
There are so many things that I look back on and think, "Why couldn't I have enjoyed that more?" or "Why did I have to make that decision?". But when it's all said and done, there's nothing that can be done to change the past. All I can do is look forward. Time will fly by no matter what, poor choices will be made constantly, but through it all I'm still here living my life now with the people I love.
God has blessed me with a family who loves me. Some I have known all my life, some I have inherited through marriage and 1 in particular I helped to create. Time goes by so quickly and there seems to be so many things I wish I could do over, but if all I do is spend time wishing I could have back the time that has flown by, I will miss out on the time I have ahead.
My life may not be perfect, and my early thirties will be here before I know it but I'm so happy to know that I will be sharing this time with the ones I love and taking advantage of every moment possible so ten years from now when I am thirty four I can look back and say.."Not bad Chris...not bad at all."
